i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
