I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
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