Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
