I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
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