so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
