I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
