Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
