Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
