glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
