I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I wish there were birth control emojis
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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