once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I want her autograph on my taint
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
