I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
