i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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