Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
