Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
