Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Did we literally take a cab across the street
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
