Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
