i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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