Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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