You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
