my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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