So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
