so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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