the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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