Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize