I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
