It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
