i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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