Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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