Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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