Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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