please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
