You just made me feel so damn special
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Randomize
