I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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