you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
