you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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