so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
