Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
