Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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