everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
