Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
He better not be in your backpack
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
