Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
