i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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