By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
