i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
