I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
