Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
