This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
