Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
