she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize