I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
