Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
