Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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