just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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