OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
