dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
how drunk are you?
Several
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
