he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
