She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
