if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
