He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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