I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
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