4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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