I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
