She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
