I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
